No title to my blog today. It's very difficult for me to write as it's been the toughest time since I was initially diagnosed. All the usual existential questions come to mind: why do things go wrong at the worst possible moment? ; why is everything such a big mess? ; why me? ; and all the rest.
Backing up a little, I probably explained that instead of having a ball between my last major chemo and my surgery, due on June 5th, I got pneumonia. The first week was so horrible that I didn't think about anything at all. After that, I realised that my surgery was in jeopardy. Now, besides a little cough, I have no symptoms and I feel healthy and pretty strong, but, apparrently, it takes about 6 weeks for a catscan to show a change in your lungs and so, the question is do we go forward with the surgery or don't we? With an exponentially aggressive cancer return risk, can I afford to wait?
Doctors don't all know everything about everything, and we have backs and forwards, tests that may not be so necessary, differing opinions, doctors that can't be located, a weekend in the middle and the d-date looming very close. For me, the bottom line so far is what Reuven's cousin, a pulmonary specialist said: you have no temperature, your white blood count is normal: you don't have pneumonia.
This morning, quite early, Reuven and I walked for two miles. A little later, my wonderful yoga teacher, Val came over and game me a special lesson. She told me I'm very strong. Are you listening doctors? I'm very strong.
My new resolution: I'm sick of being jealous in the worst possible way of everyone who tells me about their exotic travels. I am now going to be a person who is happy to stay at home, has no desire to go anywhere and is perfectly content within her own 4 walls. My first project is to think of a project. I have not yet thought of anything that vaguely interests me around here. Too hot to garden, so keep that idea at bay. So far, all I've come up with is the laundry and repeatedly washing dishes. I don't think those are tasks to be ecstatic about, so I have to think of something else. Or maybe not.
My dear friend, You have been such a trouper through all this - an example to me and to others of facing life as it comes and not being beaten down. It is only to be expected that there will be bumps along the way and frustration to deal with. You are indeed strong! Want a project? Hummmm - can you maybe take a canvas and some paints and paint not a picture, but how you feel? Close your eyes and forget the rules and vent on canvas. It may sound silly but you are so creative and so full of drive and that is all squelched right now with dishes and four walls and laundry so let it out on canvas or on paper. Then send me a photograph!
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