growing up is painful (and all that)

Somewhere, in the gap between surgery and the start of radiation, I experienced a mild panic.
In about 2 1/2 week's time, I will be finished with chemotherapy, surgery and radiation. All over. And....., a little of that panic has returned.
I realised today that all this 'therapy' gave structure to my life. What do you do all day? I go to treatment, I feel well / not well, I lie in bed or get tests done, I see doctors, nurses, technicians, I am tested and tested and tested. It's all about the doing of getting healthy. All of that is about to disappear.
It's like a student who graduates, or a soldier back from war overseas, only to find that facing the world is a huge, crazy challenge. You have to take charge, be responsible for who you are outside of being a patient and what you do with your life. End the dependence. Grow up.
It's amazing how easy it was to sink into that status of being cared for. Gosh, all that support!! Soon I will have to learn to stand on my own two feet. Quite a daunting challenge. Who would have thought that getting back to a normal life would feel so strange? Panic at 55.

Just as it will take some adjustment to life without treatment, it will take some adjustment to get back to being a person whose identity does not revolve around being sick. A sick person who swims! Amazing! Awesome! A normal person going for a swim? Totally mundane, who cares? Woody Allen makes a joke of a chap who is fetted as a celebrity for no good reason. Reporters and the world hang on to his every word. What he eats for breakfast is a national miracle and as for the underwear he chooses.... they all go into ecstasies. Then, a new celebrity catches the public interest and that poor chap is left ignored, unadmired. Well, in a way, it's the same with us ex-sickies. The false celebrity of our illness is drawing to a close. The challenge of life begins.